My first boyfriend almost raped me

“…My first boyfriend almost raped me. We were sitting in a friend’s living room watching a movie when he suddenly got on top of me and pinned my wrists down, telling me to let him have it. I could think of nothing but to let out a cry. He looked stunned and got off me, saying “why do you have to make it feel like rape?” Because it was, he was trying to rape me…

I have never learned of consent in school, neither did my ex-boyfriend. I read about it in Life & Family magazine, when it really should have been taught in school.

I do know that rape is rape. Not ‘hooking up’ or ‘fooling around,’ and it can happen at the hands of those we trust…”

 

I was almost raped by my boyfriend.

I was in high school. I had my first boyfriend. In the weekends we would go to our friend’s apartment. We would watch a film, hug and kiss. Our relationship only extended to second base (external touching, breasts, genitals), but we never had actual intercourse. Until one day, the others left to grab food. I was lying down on the sofa watching Ice Age, he sat next to me, hug and kissed me, stripping little by little.
.
.
And suddenly he sat on top of me.
.
.
He held my wrists tight, my legs trapped under his.
He told me “let me have it”.
Told me “just to make sure we won’t break up”.
.
.
I was shocked. Petrified. Unable to move. He was very slim but he had all the strength in the world.
I was scared. I said “no”.
But he didn’t stop. He didn’t seem like someone I knew.
.
.
Everything happened too quickly.
Probably not even 5 minutes.
.
.
I thought about an article talking about a woman who escaped her boyfriend wanting to have sex with her when she wasn’t ready. She told us to ruin your partner’s mood if you can’t run away.
.
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I knew that he disliked crying people. Combined with the fact that I was scared, thinking about my parents that they could help me.
So I let out a cry.
.
.
He looked dissatisfied.
Sat on the sofa,
And told me
“Why did you have to make this feel like rape?”
.
.
I was speechless.
.
.
Isn’t it already rape if I wasn’t willing, wasn’t ready.
Despite him being my boyfriend.
It’s still rape.
.
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We ended things but the scar remains in my heart.
Nowadays I dislike anyone holding my wrist.
I truly dislike it. Please don’t ever touch it.
Because I would think about that day
.
.
When I had a new boyfriend, he held my wrist too tight, it triggered my fears.
I cried out
“Don’t touch me! Don’t drag me! Let me go!”
He was surprised and asked what happened.
I told him my story.
.
.
My intention is not to tell you not to be with your partner alone, or to view sex as something dreadful.
.
.
I have never thought of sexuality as something disgusting.
Nor filthy or ugly.
But if it were to happen’
“I would do it when I am ready,
Not when I am pressured with the word ‘love’,
Or when the situation led to it”.
.
.
I have never learned of consent in school, neither did my ex-boyfriend. I read about it through Life & Family magazine, when it really should be taught in school.
.
.
At the end, rape is rape.
It’s not just a soft word like ‘fooling around’ or ‘hooking up’.
.
.
We should be taught it at it could happen even with the ones we trust the most.
.
.
Even though 6-7 years have passed,
I am still scared.
Scared of being forced.
.
I have never got over that sofa.
.
.
#unfairsex
#letstalk
#thaiconsent
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Story by Anonymous
Illustration by NaNaaa

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